But... Naked

A band comprising three London school friends all in their late teens.

MONIQUE

Affected, Pseudo-philosopher, who is not as deep and spiritual as she thinks. Her philosophy is highly flexible, and allows her to be bitchy. Think Scary Spice meets Chris Eubanks. (CATHY DUNNING)

SHAZME

Cocky, tartish and not too bright. Looks out for number one. Think Ginger Spice with less shame. (ANITA TOYE)

MELANIE

The most intelligent of the three, and the one with the most common sense. A bit shy, but finds she has to take charge to keep the other two in check. Has principals, and can be quite sarcastic. Think old-style Mel C with brains. - (DENISE WORME)

WALT

WALT WATERMELON. Laid-back record producer in his forties. Is Peter Waterman, really. (STEVE ASHTON)

MONIQUE

(EACH OM LASTS QUITE A FEW SECONDS IS A TONE HIGHER THAN THE PREVIOUS) Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm (SUDDENLY JUMPS UP AN OCTAVE) Ommmmm. Melanie, have you been messing with my prayer sheets?

MELANIE

No.

MONIQUE

Well someone has, they’re all in the wrong order. Listen to this: (AS THE LAST THREE) Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm. That’s nearly an octave up. It should be a gradual progression lifting me up to enlightenment. You can’t suddenly jump up to enlightenment. There’s no easy road to the glorious state of peace. It's a good job my philosophy means that I can take this sort of thing in my stride, any other person would be really pissed off right now. It must have been Shazme. Fortunately for her I am a philosophical person on the road to spiritual fulfilment, else I'd kick her up the arse. Do you know if Shazme has messed with my sheets?

MELANIE

She knocked them off your coffee table…

MONIQUE

Altar!

MELANIE

I mean altar, earlier. I did try to put them back in order, but they all looked the same.

MONIQUE

Yes, you can’t expect the uninitiated to be able to understand the holy writings that lead to the path of truth.

MELANIE

Especially when they’re just a load of Omms.

MONIQUE

The word is Ommmmm and each pitch gives it a different meaning. The same word can mean the different things every time you use it.

MELANIE

A bit like Smurf, then.

MONIQUE

You can mock, but if I do this prayer in the wrong order, I could end up somewhere other than Nirvana.

MELANIE

You mean you could end up in Dagenham.

MONIQUE

I mean I could end up somewhere with no soul. And where pain and suffering are the daily reality as your spirit is crushed by a cavalcade of tormenting demons bent on the destruction of your being.

MELANIE

Dagenham, then.

MONIQUE

What has she done with page seven... oh, here it is. (JUST UP FROM THE PENULTIMATE ONE AND INCREASING) Ommmmm Ommmmm...

SHAZME

(EXCITED) Girls, girls! I have the most exciting news ever.

MONIQUE

If it’s about some new bloke, I do not want to hear it. I’m trying to meditate. No thanks to you upsetting the order of my prayer sheet.

SHAZME

Monique, Think of it as a remix. No, it’s more exciting than a new bloke.

MONIQUE

More exciting than your love-life? What could be?

MELANIE

Is it your dad’s company’s end of year accounts?

SHAZME

Do you want to hear this? It’s the most exciting thing ever. And it’s not about me. It’s about us. The band. But... Naked.

MONIQUE

Don’t tell me, that guy you got off with in Trollop’s really was a record producer.

SHAZME

No. I ain’t heard from him. He said he might be busy on All Saints’ new album.

MELANIE

He's probably busy on some other gullible bimbo.

SHAZME

Well, this is better than some nobody producer who we ain’t heard of.

MONIQUE

What is it, tell me. You are spoiling my calm.

SHAZME

It’s about the talent contest at the town hall.

MELANIE

We know about that. You did enter us didn’t you?

SHAZME

Yes, I did. And while I was doing it, I got chatting to the guy who deals with the application forms. Apparently I snogged him in The Bottom last year. You know, the club. Well, he told me who one of the celebrity judges is going to be.

MONIQUE

Who?

SHAZME

Well you know it was going to be Tony Blackburn, that girl who used to be in East Enders and that local guy who won six thousand pounds on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Right?

MONIQUE

Yes. Please get to the point, Shazme.

SHAZME

Well, that girl from East Enders can’t make it. It seems, she’s being written back in, ‘cos she was so popular.

MELANIE

She was decapitated by a bear.

SHAZME

I think there’s going to be a vampire sub-plot, or something like that. There's talk of the bear getting a spin-off series.

MONIQUE

Please, get to the point. You are sucking away my aura.

SHAZME

Well, she’s been replaced. By...

MONIQUE

Who? Who, Shazme? Tell us, who is replacing her. Tell us before, I forgo any chance I ever have of reaching Nirvana by ripping your head off and spitting down your neck.

SHAZME

Walt Watermelon.

MELANIE

Walt Watermelon!

MONIQUE

Jesus!

SHAZME

One and the same you if want some sort of pop success. He’s produced more number ones than…

MELANIE

An incontinent toddler on Coca-Cola.

SHAZME

Isn’t that fantastic news.

MONIQUE

This is awesome. This could be our big break.

SHAZME

Once he sees us, and hears "Bounce To Love" he’ll sign us in no time flat. Bad news is, guess who else is entering into the competition?

MONIQUE

Those three whores!

SHAZME

Yes.

MELANIE

I take it you mean Lyp~Sink.

MONIQUE

Those are the whores I mean.

SHAZME

I don't know what those bitches hope to achieve.

MONIQUE

We entered that competition first!

MELANIE

It's a free country. They can enter the competition if they want.

SHAZME

And, actually, Jamone was in the queue in front of me. So technically, they entered first.

MONIQUE

Bitches!

SHAZME

Bitches! Melanie, do we take your silence as an approval of their actions?

MELANIE

Their actions being they have entered a competition?

MONIQUE

Bitches!

SHAZME

Yes. You are either with us or against us.

MELANIE

I’m with you, obviously. I don’t see what’s wrong with them entering the same competition. It’ll show who really is the best.

SHAZME

Yeah. It’ll be good to rub their noses in it.

MONIQUE

Yeah. Okay, so now we’re entered…

SHAZME

Actually, there were a few questions I couldn’t answer on the application form. So I brought it back here.

MELANIE

Shazme! That has to be in today!

SHAZME

It’s okay. We’ll answer the questions and I’ll take it straight back. The guy who collects the forms has offered me an extension.

MELANIE

I bet.

MONIQUE

What possible questions can you have trouble with?

SHAZME

"Describe your style with relation to other contemporary acts."

MONIQUE

Well, we’re like the Spice girls, only wiv a more intellectual bent.

SHAZME

Yeah. We’re All Saints wiv attitude.

MELANIE

Cleopatra with pubic hair.

MONIQUE

Put mine.

SHAZME

Spice Girls. Intellectual. Bent.

MONIQUE

Was that it?

SHAZME

No. "State religious beliefs."

MONIQUE

We believe in Nihilism.

SHAZME

What’s that then?

MONIQUE

It’s when your team don’t score.

SHAZME

Okay. Nial. Neal. Neeel. None. "Politics?"

MELANIE

This is pretty in-depth for an application form for a stupid talent contest.

SHAZME

Sure is. I had to attach an extra piece of paper for the sexual history question.

MELANIE

You didn’t put my sexual history on that form?

SHAZME

Well, I didn’t need a separate piece of paper for that, did I.

MONIQUE

We don’t have politics. We’re more spiritual.

MELANIE

Everything has politics.

SHAZME

I’ll put radical antiestablishment.

MONIQUE

Is that what we are?

SHAZME

Don’t know. It just sounds good, dunnit.

MELANIE

Do you consider yourself radical antiestablishment, Shazme?

SHAZME

Yeah.

MELANIE

Okay. What do you think of Tony Blair?

SHAZME

Oh, he’s lovely, isn’t he.

MELANIE

Put ‘Nihilism.’

SHAZME

None. Well, that’s it. I’ll take this back.

WALT

(TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT) Musical performers, your section starts in five minutes.

MONIQUE

(NERVOUS AND IN INCREASING TONES) Ommmmm Ommmmm Ommmmm.

SHAZME

Will you stop that, it’s so annoying.

MONIQUE

We’re on stage in five minutes. I’m getting myself to a higher state of consciousness. Don’t you have a way of preparing yourself to go on stage?

SHAZME

Yes, I do. I ruffle my hair and lift these. Melanie? Do you do anything?

MELANIE

I always rub this locket. It’s got a picture of my dad in it. I like to think he’s looking over me.

SHAZME

I like to think the blokes at the bar are looking over me.

MELANIE

Let’s get focused. This is very important.

MONIQUE

Yeah, I think I’m gonna have to supplement my Omms with a fag.

SHAZME

Stop worrying you two. We’re going to win this, no problem.

MONIQUE

Why are you so confident? Yesterday you were a bag of nerves.

SHAZME

Let’s say I’ve gone beyond the call of duty to help the band.

MELANIE

You’ve nobbled the judges?

SHAZME

No. One of the judges nobbled me.

MELANIE

Not that guy who won six thousand pounds on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

SHAZME

No, I told you, I don’t like intellectual men.

MONIQUE

You slept with Walt Watermelon, didn’t you?

SHAZME

I did. Well, it wasn’t sleeping, it was standing up in a broom cupboard.

MONIQUE

When?

SHAZME

Just now. When I went off to get some fags?

MELANIE

I can’t believe you did that.

SHAZME

Anything for the band.

MELANIE

I wanted us to win fair and square.

SHAZME

We will. I’ve just given us an edge.

MELANIE

I don’t believe you. That’s cheating.

MONIQUE

Well, I have given us an edge as well.

SHAZME

How?

MELANIE

Tell me you didn’t sleep with Tony Blackburn?

MONIQUE

No. I consulted the spirits of the ancients and asked them from the depths of a deep hypnotic trance what we should do. And they told me, to mix up the tapes in the sound booth. I’d like to see Lyp~Sink sing their song backed by the Bremen Oompah Band.

SHAZME

Monique, Atta girl.

MELANIE

Well, I’m ashamed of both of you.

SHAZME

Ooooh. Sister, this is a hard, harsh, cruel business, and if you want to make it you need to pull every trick you can. Do you want success?

MELANIE

Yes, but…

SHAZME

Do you think I enjoyed what I did?

MELANIE

Yes I do.

SHAZME

Well, it was all right. But, he’s a lot older than you think.

MONIQUE

Yeah, come on Melanie. What have you done to help us win this competition?

MELANIE

I’ve learnt the words, practised the dance moves and stopped you two from killing each other.

SHAZME

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are such a goody-two-shoes. But if you don’t fight dirty in this business, then you’ll get nowhere. I’m telling you.

WALT

Hi girls! Good luck!

SHAZME

Who are you?

WALT

Walt Watermelon. I’m one of the judges. I’m just going round wishing all the competitors good luck.

SHAZME

No you ain’t.

WALT

I am. I’ve just been to see Lyp~Sink, Blood Guts Hell Death and Trouserless Orphan Boy. Wished them all good luck.

SHAZME

No, you ain’t Walt Watermelon.

WALT

I am. Didn’t you ever watch The Hitmaker and the Heartbreaker?

SHAZME

I was only a kid, and it was on at three in the morning. But I know you ain’t Walt Watermelon.

WALT

Well, I am. It’s on my pass, look.

SHAZME

Walt Watermelon. Have you suddenly got really younger over the last few minutes?

WALT

No. In fact I think I’ve aged since I’ve been in this room. Ah, maybe you bumped into my dad.

SHAZME

Your dad?

WALT

He’s my manager.

SHAZME

Your dad?

WALT

Yes. He’s around here somewhere. He enjoys these things.

MONIQUE

I think he’s enjoyed this one more than most.

SHAZME

Your dad?

WALT

Okay. I have to go out front. I believe you’re on next. Good luck.

SHAZME

His dad!

MELANIE

I think this is the funniest thing I have ever heard.

MONIQUE

His dad must be sixty. Eurr.

MELANIE

Didn’t you think to ask his name?

SHAZME

Someone called him Mr Watermelon. We didn’t really speak much after that. I just pulled him into a cupboard. Well, he said thank you. How can they both have the same surname?

MELANIE

I know. What are the chances of that?

MONIQUE

Well, shall we go up to the front? They must be ready for us now. We can laugh about this later.

SHAZME

I can’t believe I went to all that trouble, and it doesn’t even help us.

MELANIE

Come on. I’ve just heard them announce us. Let’s go!

MONIQUE

My god, the music’s started.

SHAZME

Hang on that ain’t our music…

MELANIE

That sounds like some German Oompah band.

SHAZME &
MELANIE

(IN UNISON) Monique!

MONIQUE

Oops.