George Clueless has been described as the greatest Movie Hunk of the 90's. And one that successfully made the jump from TV to the Movies. One that his arch rival, David Hasnotop did not manage.

George made his name in the tense medical drama, "WR" (Waiting Room), where his rugged good looks, and terse acting style made him the ladies' favourite. After "WR", the film roles poured in. There was "From Dick To Dawn" - sex change Vampire Zombie Comedy Drama with Quentin Crispentino - and a host of Romantic Comedies, Romantic Thrillers and plain old Romances. George Clueless knew which side his bread was buttered, and it was on the side of his heartthrob good looks. But it wasn't always so.

Born, Georgiano Clulestionoschlankovani, son of poor Polish-Italian migrant workers, he was an awkward, unattractive child. His friends picked on him at school, and then tied him up and left him for his enemies. He was very unpopular.

But in his head, he had a dream. A dream to become a movie star. But he knew that all the best movie stars are not ungainly geeks they are tough square-jawed heroes. Georgiano's hero was John Wayne. He realised that the secrets to the success he wanted were simple and obvious. Apart from the looks, there was the large build, the terse manner and keeping the same character in each film. He was already a man of few words, and the build he could get by becoming obsessed with going to the gym. All he really needed was a character.

Georgiano, already calling himself George in preparation for his stardom, began to obsessively watch every film starring every Hollywood heartthrob who ever existed. From Rudolf Cupido to Glint Easterbunny. From Stone Mississippi to Gary Carnt. From Silver Stallion to Adolf Himmlerneger. After months of watching, he came up with a character. He spoke slow and deep, and by straining his face, he could not only hide its lop-sidedness (and thus make it look quite attractive) but also make it seem that he had more to say, but wasn't going to. With his newly built-up body he more than looked the part. His old school friends wouldn't recognise him. Not now. It was time, also, to air his full new name: George Clueless.

George moved to California and took a job as a waiter at the popular brasserie, "Croutons Moi." The place was popular with agents, producers and casting directors. It wasn't long, before George's slow pace and good physique attracted the attention of someone looking for the next big thing.

Within six months, he was playing the ladies-man Janitor in WR, a character that was to grow to take over the whole show. Film roles followed soon after the success of WR. After a few romantic comedies, most notably "French Letter" and "Red Card", the studio decided it was time to write a romantic comedy just for him. The result was "Clueless In Seattle", which was a phenomenal success. It's follow up, the romantic comedy set in the acting profession, "You've Got Malkovitch", faired less well, but made enough at the box office, to ensure the studio would be using George again. And use him they did, to star in the cartoon action romantic erotic thriller, "Batman Derobing."

But behind all this success, there was much more hard work than George's performances would suggest. George's punishing workout schedule was taking its toll on him. Not to mention the strain his face was under because he was now compelled to contort his face muscles whenever he was on set or in public. No one, save a very privileged few, saw him as he really was.

His health suffered, and there came a five-month period when his face muscles would not work. The wind changed, but his face did not stay as he had wanted it to. He had to become a recluse for that period, shying away from movie making and public life. When his muscles had rested, he returned to the set of the film he was making, only to find he had been replaced by arch-rival, David Tassletoff.

George was furious and at the premiere confronted David. He swore at him and tugged at his leather jacket. When he shouted at Hasnotop that he had been out-acted by both the car and the women in his hit TV show, Baberider, David lashed out at George. he hit him square on the face and watched him fall over.

George stood back up, so angry he forgot to fix his face, and the whole world gasped as they saw him how he really was. Men stared, women gasped, children screamed. David Hasnotop laughed. With the laughter, gasps and screams ringing round his head, George left the area and returned to his home.

As the morning papers brought the world the pictures of George as he really was, and the studios tore up his contracts invoking the "Losing one's looks" clause, a discovery was made on a cliff-top not far from George's house. A small pile of his clothes on the edge, high above the crashing sea. George's body was never discovered, but as the policeman in charge of the case said, "He ain't gonna work in this town with a face like that." The case was closed and George Clueless, né Georgiano Clulestionoschlankovani was pronounced "almost certainly dead."

Unlike Elvis and others, no one has reported seeing him since. But then, how many of us have ever seen the real George Clueless?

(c) Morbid Ernest 22/3/2000.