Working Titles - Pilot Episode
Trial Version
by
Peter More and Théo Boyman
CAST.
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CHARLES |
CHARLES WILBOROUGH. From formerly well-to-do family. Affable, but can be a bit of a worrier. |
Mike Pascowski |
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ALEX |
ALEX WILBOROUGH. Charles’ younger brother. Alex is arrogant and enjoys nothing better than a good moan. Charles and Alex argue, but always with affection |
Dominic Frisby |
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MELISSA |
MELISSA SMITH. Alex’s flatmate. Independent, intelligent, working-class girl. Does not get on with Alex. She tries not to let him get to her, and is in fact often amused by his moods. Gets on well with Charles. |
Caroline Quinlan |
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CHRISTINA |
CHRISTINA PANDLEBURY-BROWNE. From the same sort of background, as Alex and Charles, but has rebelled to a certain degree. She is lively, and gets what she wants. |
SJ Palmer |
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LADY P-B |
LADY PANDLEBURY-BROWNE. Christina’s Mother. Middle aged and very posh. |
SJ Palmer |
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JACK |
Young, working-class man. |
Mike Pascowski |
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CHEESY DJ |
DJ in dive, London night-club. |
Dominic Frisby |
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F/X |
SJ |
MELISSA Hello, Alex. Making tea?
ALEX No, I’m performing boiling water torture on a tea bag to get it to tell me who’s been using all the others.
MELISSA Reduced to torturing defenceless food stuffs to get your kicks.
ALEX After I have removed its lifeless body, I’m going to drink the water.
MELISSA Tea’s not just a passion for you, is it? It’s a perversion.
ALEX Tea is what separates us from the beasts.
MELISSA It’s probably what separates you from the beasts. With the rest of us, it’s evolution.
ALEX(sigh) I take it your friend hasn’t called and cancelled?
MELISSA No, she’s still coming.
ALEX I don’t see why she has to come here.
MELISSA As I told you, she’s looking for somewhere to live. Don’t worry, she’ll only be here a few days. (jokily) Do you want me to get her to breathe into a paper bag for you?
ALEX Won’t it just burn?
MELISSA How can you have such a bad opinion of someone you’ve never met?
ALEX I just don’t want anyone else to live here. This flat was designed for one person. Two is crowded. And three will be like being in prison.
MELISSA You’re exaggerating.
ALEX Well, I’m sure you speak from the experience of visiting relatives or something.
MELISSA Come on, you’re the one with all the experience. You went to public school. Isn’t that just borstal with no heating. Anyway, surely it’s one of your fantasies to be stuck in a women’s prison?
ALEX W-well, yes it is. But in the fantasy version I’m locked away with Joanna Lumley and Jenny Agutter. This somehow doesn’t compare.
MELISSA Well, I’m sorry Christina and I are not busty lags, hell-bent on ingratiating ourselves with the head screw. Torture a tea bag for me, will you.
ALEX I warn you, I’ve poisoned the bags.
MELISSA Alex, if you were going to poison me, you would have tried before now. Therefore, I must be immune.
ALEX Note to self, must up dosage.
MELISSA Alex. You will be rid of us both in no time at all. And you can get back to being a bloke living on your own: Farting into jars; and ogling Baywatch with only one hand on the remote.
ALEX Don’t compare me with the male members of your family. My upbringing was somewhat better than that.
MELISSA I’m sorry: breaking wind into decanters; and viewing Baywatch with one hand on the butler.
ALEX Huh!
MELISSA (PAUSE) There’s a couple of messages on the machine. Did you turn the ringer off again?
ALEX Yes. I wanted a lie in.
F/X BEEP.
CHARLES Ah, hi Alex, it’s Charles. Look, I got your message, and no can do I’m afraid. I’m seeing Claris tonight.
ALEX Ah the old walking sedative.
CHARLES Please don’t call her that. She’s quit her course and coming up to London. So, sorry, you’ll have to amuse yourself tonight. This new girl may not be as bad as you expect. Leprosy has been wiped out in this country, and I’m sure Melissa would have mentioned if she had an extra head. And one person moving in does not constitute an influx, invasion or an infestation. Give my regards to Melissa. See you tomorrow. Bye.
F/X BEEP
LADY P-B Ah, hello. This is Lady Pandlebury-Browne, I’m calling to speak to my daughter, Christina. Darling, are you coming to Henley with us this weekend? Puff Puff and Williams will be coming down. Call us if you are. And remember there is a dress-code. Nothing with holes in.
F/X BEEP.
ALEX (PAUSE, Smarmy) So tell me more about this Christina. She sounds jolly nice.
MELISSA You’re appalling. One minute this girl is the worst thing imaginable. The next, you find out she’s titled and you turn into a pimply teenager on heat. What makes you think she’ll find you attractive?
ALEX I don’t think she will be as blind to my allure as some people.
MELISSA Have you been using your allure on me? That explains the clammy feeling down my neck.
ALEX I have not used it on you. You’d have known it if I had. Once the Alex Wilborough charm is turned on, there’s no stopping it.
MELISSA Off switch broken is it? That’s the trouble with knobs if you don’t use them.
F/X KNOCK AT DOOR.
ALEX I’ll get this.
(CHRISTINA ENTERS)
ALEX Hello. Come in. I’m Alex Wilborough.
CHRISTINA Christina Browne.
ALEX You appear to have dropped a Pandlebury.
CHRISTINA It happens.
MELISSA Hi, Chrissy.
CHRISTINA Hey, Melissa.
ALEX Allow me to show you around. This here is the drawing room. TV, video, Princess Anne Sofa.
CHRISTINA Princess Anne? Surely you mean Queen Anne.
ALEX No definitely a Princess Anne. Look it has all the hallmarks: Sturdy legs, rough feel. Doesn’t look very good, but stays down and does the job. And over here, we have the kitchen. Microwave, washing machine, wipeable surfaces. Through here is the bathroom. Sink, shower, toothpaste holder. Through there be Melissa’s room. I have no idea what’s in there. None of my scouts have ever returned. (suggestively) And through here… is my room.
MELISSA Full-length mirror, vanity unit, huge collection of porn magazines. My scouts all came back.
ALEX(angry) I do not have a vanity unit. (charming) So, Christina, can I offer you a drink? Tea, coffee, something stronger?
MELISSA What’s stronger than coffee? Pro-Plus with a Lucosade chaser?
CHRISTINA I’d love a drink. Alcohol if you got it. I just had to carry a box up three flights of stairs.
ALEX You must be tired. Alcohol it is. (remembers) I’ll just pop out to Perrin’s of Heffmore Street and get some.
MELISSA Why can’t you call it the off-licence?
CHRISTINA Please, don’t go to any trouble.
ALEX Trouble it is not. Au revoir. Won’t be long. (LEAVES)
MELISSA You see what he’s like?
CHRISTINA He seems fine.
MELISSA And why he can’t call the local offie the off-licence I don’t know. "Perrin’s of Heffmore Street," I ask you.
CHRISTINA It makes it sound more exclusive. Is it an upmarket place?
MELISSA No, it isn’t. It’s a sweet shop that’s realised it can make more money on one bottle of whiskey than it can on fifty fruit bonbons. All it needs to do is sell condoms and crack, and the local kids will never have to shop anywhere else.
CHRISTINA We’d better get ready if we’re gonna be going out.
MELISSA Absolutely. You know I think Alex has taken a shine to you.
CHRISTINA He’s just being friendly.
MELISSA Hmm. So, how is the love-life?
CHRISTINA Well, there’s a search and rescue team looking for it right now.
MELISSA At least there’s hope, then.
CHRISTINA I wouldn’t call it hope. Yours?
MELISSA It’s just passed Jupiter by all accounts.
CHRISTINA You should send out a probe.
MELISSA No way. My probe is the only thing that keeps me going.
ALEX (ENTERS, out of breath) Hello! I’m back. I got the drinks.
CHRISTINA That was quick.
ALEX Perrin’s is a byword for convenience.
MELISSA Very true.
ALEX I’ll pour the drinks. (PAUSE) I propose a toast. To the new member of the household. You’ve both changed. Good idea. Shall we go out and celebrate.
CHRISTINA Well, Melissa and I are just off out for a drink and a boogie. Would you like to come?
MELISSA(To Christina.) Uh-uh.
ALEX Sure, that’ll be great. I’ll throw a shirt on. Be right back. (LEAVES)
MELISSA What the hell did you invite him for?
CHRISTINA He’s your flat mate.
MELISSA He’s an odious little shit. I told you what he’s like.
CHRISTINA He’s okay. It’s good to have a man around. They’re so willing to… pay. Does he dance?
MELISSA Dance? I doubt it?
CHRISTINA Good, he can look after the coats.
ALEX (ENTERS) Ta-da! How do I look?
CHRISTINA Nice shirt. It’s er… striking.
MELISSA I expect it’s after better working conditions.
CHEESY DJ Welcome to the Kennel Club on a Saturday night, with your resident DJ, me, Cold Funky Custard. Giving a special Yellow out there to all the single women. Here’s one I know you’re gonna dance to: The Cained Up Crew, featuring Tara.
(PAUSE)
MELISSA What is he doing?
CHRISTINA I think he’s dancing. I though you said he didn’t.
MELISSA I think I said he couldn’t. I stand by that.
CHRISTINA What sort of dance do you think it is?
MELISSA Oh, somewhere between the Gay Gordon and the Limping Larry.
CHRISTINA I think he’s expressing himself from within.
MELISSA That’s one scary psyche.
CHRISTINA Now, that’s a new one. Isn’t that the Charleston?
MELISSA I think that’s his patented Thunderbirds Fandango.
CHRISTINA Well, I could watch this all day, but something else has attracted my attention.
MELISSA Let me guess, six foot two and more muscles than is strictly legal.
CHRISTINA Something like that. See you later.
(PAUSE)
ALEX Hello, where did Christina go?
MELISSA She’s gone to see if she can’t get you a lead role in Starlight Express. Or was it a bread roll in Tesco Express?
ALEX I think she’s incredible. I would never have dared come into a place like this on my own. It’s very… vernacular.
MELISSA It’s horrible.
ALEX Oh, come on Melissa, this is your people. Your roots. Two-up-two-down House Music. Drum and Basic.
MELISSA(Angry) Look, just because I’m not from your high-arsed, inbred, no meat, all-vegetable stock, it doesn’t mean I like smelly dives like this. Do I accuse you of having a toffee nose, and of sexual deviancy?
ALEX Yes. Almost every day.
CHRISTINA Hi guys. This place is great isn’t it?
ALEX Good choice.
CHRISTINA This is Jack. He’s got a tattoo.
JACK An’ I’ll show ya later, darlin’, eh. (DIRTY LAUGH)
CHRISTINA Jack, this is Melissa and Alex.
MELISSA Hi, there.
ALEX Er, hello.
JACK Please to meet you.
ALEX This your local is it?
JACK I live round the corner. On the Ellismore Estate.
ALEX How ironic. I grew up on an estate as well.
JACK You seem very posh.
ALEX You seem very vernacular.
JACK I like to work out.
MELISSA So, Jack. What’s your tattoo of?
JACK A knife dripping with blood.
ALEX Ah, that the old school emblem, is it?
JACK Nah, that was a skull and crossbow.
ALEX Crossbow?
JACK Yeah. Doesn’t mean anything though. Now with the knife, that represents the eternal struggle of the human spirit against the oppressive elements of society.
ALEX And the blood?
JACK It’s just blood, innit.
CHRISTINA(to Jack) Come on big fella, let’s dance.
JACK Okay.
ALEX I think she likes me.
MELISSA She’s dancing with someone else! That’s not a good sign.
ALEX She’s playing it cool.
MELISSA She’s playing it hot. She’s all over him.
ALEX But he’s just some lout. She’s playing with him.
MELISSA She certainly is.
ALEX Good god! He shouldn’t let her do that to him. What about her reputation? She’ll regret it. I have a good mind to go over there and give him a bunch of fives. What does she see in him? She could have me.
MELISSA Alex, you are not her type. That is her type.
ALEX(horrified.) No way. He’s so…
MELISSA Vernacular?
ALEX Yes.
MELISSA Come on. Your turn to buy the drinks.
(LONG PAUSE)
CHEESY DJ It’s the wee small hours of Sunday morning. Nearly time to pack yourselves off to whatever home your sleeping in tonight. If you are going home with someone you’ve just met, remember, keep it safe. Lock the door. Their husband could come back at any time. (DIRTY LAUGH) Now, here’s a slow, little number for all you fast movers out there.
ALEX(tired) Melissa, have you seen Chrisy.
MELISSA(tired) Last I saw she was dancing the lambada with Jack.
ALEX They haven’t played the lambada.
MELISSA They haven’t played the Charleston, but it didn’t stop you earlier.
ALEX That was not the Charleston. I was letting my body go where the music took it.
MELISSA Well it took it to 1923 at the Cotton Club. (Yawns) I hope she appears soon. I’m tired.
ALEX Ah, here she is. Et sans brute.
CHRISTINA(Very drunk and happy) Hi guys.
ALEX Hello there.
CHRISTINA This has been a great night. Group hug!
ALEX Mmm.
CHRISTINA Come on Melissa, join in.
MELISSA(reluctantly) oh, ok.
CHRISTINA This place’ll be shutting soon. Don’t you think it’s too early to stop?
MELISSA Well, actually, I’m tired.
CHRISTINA Alex, you think it’s too early to stop, don’t you?
ALEX Absolutely. We could continue at mine. I got drinks in.
CHRISTINA That sounds brilliant!
MELISSA Well, I'm going straight home to bed.
ALEX Don't you worry. I think we can have fun without you.
JACK Hey, gorgeous.
CHRISTINA There you are!
JACK Wassappenin’?
CHRISTINA Alex has said we can carry on partying back at the flat. Wanna come?
JACK Yeah, sure. That’s really kind of you, Alex.
ALEX Yes, it is, isn’t it.
(end)