I am sure this is something most people worry about early on in their relationships.

When you start out on a relationship with someone new it can be both exciting, as you learn more and more about this new, fabulous person, and also a little daunting, as there are sides to this person you have no idea about, yet.

If only there was a way you could know, from the outset, that your new partner is or is not a mad psychotic, axe-wealding maniac.

Well there is a way of finding out. After years of painstaking research, Scientists at the Swiss Institute of Social and Behavioural Science have published the results of their survey into the washing-up habits of different people, and how this can be a good indicator of their mental state.

Show your new partner the following list of theories on washing up. Get them to tell you which one best fits them. Then, look up the psychological profile at the end. Hey presto, you instantly know whether you and your new-found partner are destined for a seriously cool relationship, or whether you will end up in a shallow grave by the side of the A543.

1. "I must do the washing up as soon as I have finished using anything. I must wash up saucepans as soon I dish up the food, and wash the plates as soon as I have eaten."

2. "I must do all the washing up in one go. As soon as the water is dirty, I must replenish it and do more washing up, until there is none left."

3. "I will do some washing up now, and then in exactly one hour I will do some more. And then some more exactly one hour after that. In the mean time I will read this book on {Korean furniture making | light-bulb technology | the history of wafers in England}*"

4. "I'll just leave it for the {wife | husband | live-in-lover}* to do."

5. "I'll just leave it for {Mother | Father | a sibling}* to do."

6. "I'll just leave it for the maid to do."

7. "I will merely throw the plates on the floor after the meal."

8. "If I let these little beetles run over the plates for long enough, eventually they will clean them for me. In the mean time, I could eat the beetles."

9. "I'll do some now, until the water is murky, and then I'll have a rest. Then, later on, if I feel like it, I'll do some more. This could even be tomorrow, next week. It's not as if it's going anywhere, after all. And mould doesn't stick any more than congealed food. Besides, if I leave the washing up until there is nothing left in the cupboard before I start doing any of it, then ALL the plates and cutlery will be used evenly instead of just the first one or two being worn out long before the rest. Anyway, it's only washing up, who cares when there is life, and art, and music, and other human beings to tempt me away."

10. "Jesus H. Christ, it's only washing up, what is your problem? Who asked you to come here and mention my piles of washing up? Come here! I mean it! I'm going to stuff every piece of cutlery down your throat until you choke and cough up huge spews of blood... See, how the knives slip down easily... but the forks are a little more difficult, can you feel that... and what's this? Why it's Mr egg-whisk, wheeeeeeeeeeeeee wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeee!"

* - delete as applicable.

1. The person is obsessed with cleanliness, and will probably turn out to be a violent psychopath.

2. The person is obsessed with tidiness, and will probably turn out to be a violent psychopath.

3. The person is obsessed with time, a bit of a pseudo-intellectual, and will probably turn out to be a violent psychopath.

4. The person is lazy, and takes people for granted. He or she will probably turn out to be a violent psychopath.

5. The person is lazy and has been spoilt. He or she will almost certainly turn out to be a violent psychopath.

6. The person has far too much money, will probably turn out to be a violent psychopath as a consequence.

7. The person is probably Greek, and could well turn out to be a violent psychopath.

8. This person is mad, and could even turn out to be a violent psychopath.

9. This person is a perfectly rational and well adjusted human being.

10. This person could well turn out to be a violent psychopath. But who can tell.

[(c) August 1997, Peter More.]