Written: April 6-11, 1996
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A long time ago, back through the thick, temporal mists
that cloud our histories, back when my grandfather used
to gather us children around him and tell us what it had
been like under a labour government, I used to write a
column very much like this {Yes, very much}. It was
available only to those lucky (and I used the word in its
purely sarcastic form) enough to subscribe to the
Monochrome bulletin board. It ran for a few months, with
erratic releases, and then other things attracted my
attention, and it stopped suddenly, overnight. But it
was fun, and the three people who read it said it was
better than having their toe-nails pulled out, and so,
after a rest of a few years; having matured as a person;
having nurtured my caring, sensitive side; having spent
more time out meeting real people, in real places, as
well as spending quite a few hours with actors and their
ilk; I once more feel the urge to spread the spectre of
my jaded views. And here once more, is my column.
Written by me. And, of course, my worst enemy, who
happens to be me, and who writes in curly-braces {}.
------- As I put finger to keyboard, there are two major news stories rocking the world...
------- The government says it is perfectly healthy to eat beef, and doing so will have no harmful effects on you. Consumer associations says that eating beef will turn you instantly into a crazed lunatic staggering around and foaming at the mouth. As ever, the truth lies somewhere between. But what is sure, is that any solution will be paid for... not by an industry which for years ran a policy of feeding that scientists and Joe Public did not approve of, but by Joe Public (who incidentally includes scientists). What a great job farming is. Succeed, fail, fuck up big time, your money is guaranteed. I wish the same generosity was applied to writers. We'd be a lot happier bunch if it were. But more importantly...
-------- Noel Gallagher, or is it Liam... anyway the one who delights in getting attention by saying controversial things, has done it again. The man who said Michael Hutchins (of INXS) was a 'has been,' (Ooh, controversial... go on, say 'Debbie Gibson has had her day as a singer') has said they used to burgle houses before they were famous. And the police have set up an investigation. But before you shout 'Talk about wasting your own time,' you should remember, that there is some evidence to consider, in that they are known to have previous broken, entered and escaped with a huge amount of material from the Beatles archive. Perhaps the houses they stole from were: Crowded House and House of Pain. But, call me a hoary cynic, but I can't help thinking it may just be another off-the-cuff 'humorous' comment, to gain notoriety and thus credibility. Quite frankly I believed it more when Vanilla Ice said he was from the ghettos. So go on, say something controversial yourself and gain 'notoriety and thus credibility' you sneering git... Erm... 'Star Trek' is crap? No, Er... John Major is a bit naff, really? Aw... How about... The Pope sacrifices babies to adhere to his hedonistic agenda... Nah... it's not as easy as it looks, is it.
-------------------------------------- The other controversial bit of pop news is now so old and over-written about, that I will only give it a cursory mention. That was our Jarvis (one of the few truly enigmatic people in pop at the moment) and his stage rush of Michael Jackson's piece at the Brit awards. But the real controversy is that people allow Jackson to get away with his over-the top pretensions. Mind you, I only object because he is a musician and not an artist. After all, if Damian Hirst floated a 60ft image of himself down the Thames that would be art, wouldn't it?
---------------- It is a long-standing joke amongst my friends that I do not know anything about music. Because I don't tend to like the same things as them, and would much rather go and watch an unsigned band in the back of a dingy North London pub, than go to Wembley Arena and watch Tina Turnoff, or Bending-Down (or whatever the latest boy-band is called). But to keep my credibility, I must have something to say about popular music... so, each week I am to have a guest reviewer. This week Liam, or is it Noel, Edmonds, I mean Gallagher review recent records... As I don't get sent pre-releases due to a music industry conspiracy.
---------------------------- Well some might say that I'm like the best person to talk about music, 'cos I'm in it, you knoh. An' they're right. Well, as we have seen with the emergence of them bastads Blur and ourselves, like, that easy listening, non-taxing music will be all the rage. And I, meslf, predict that there will be lots more easy-listening stuff like that Mike Flowers blorke. Easy listening versions of, you know, things like 'The Ace of Spades' by Motorhead and 'Evil knohs no boundries' by Slayer. And I hear that Frank Sinatra is finally going to get he own back on Sid Viscous for 'is version of 'My Way,' by singing 'is own version of 'Anarchy in the UK.' There will be a backlash at the end, like, thouh, I predict. What with lots of easy-listening songs being covered in a heavy sort-of way, like, you knoh. Lots of old favourites will be re-released such as Killdozer's 'American Pie,' and Wat Tyler's Rainbow. And Snuff will finally release that cricket theme they sometimes do live. And I hear Napalm Death have already secured the permission to do a cover of Art Garfunkel's 'Bright Eyes' as well. Well, that's all I have to say, but before I go, I just want to say something highly controversial. Err... The Pope sacrifices babies to adhere to his hedonistic agenda... 'ow's that?
------ As I type this, I hear up and coming artist, Peter Auran Wrottenski, has unveiled his latest work 'Art World Divided.' It depicts a realistic image of the artist Damian Hirst cut in two and stored in a tank of pickle. Mr Hirst has not been contactable for comment.
-------------------------------------------------------- ooooh biddigidig, quantoopinkahhh skiloppipikanto flink. wumpooostiii cllleeeeee plorrrr Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Cheshire.
---------------------------------- Ogh! Isn't it fantastic? Suits you, sir! Ah, Ted. Let's off-road! Now I really like Bernard Cribbins. What did I say, Trevor? Ohh, knowing my luck, I'll probably end up crucified on that there crucifix. That's a bit like our lord Jesus Christ, isn't it? Ohh, bugger. And then the Nolans wandered by and offered us some cocaine, which was nice. Ooooh, summer parks, young boys, wind in their hair, willows in their pockets, isn't it? Ekemplo, plinky plinky plooty, ethethethe ethethethe ethethethethe, chriss waddle, minchiplonk gespambo. But, I'm afraid I was very, very drunk. I'll get me coat.
--------------------------------------- Aren't coats fantastic... sorry.
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Obsessed/Undressed My Curse (Afghan Whigs) Sickening/Thickening Conjure Me (Afghan Whigs) Sanctimony/Acrimony Blame, Etc (Afghan Whigs) Stuff/Fuck Be Sweet (Afghan Whigs) Twice/Times What Jail Is Like (Afghan Whigs) You/Unglued Debonair (Afghan Whigs) Revenge/Friend My Enemy (Afghan Whigs) Knives/Wife/Twice I'm Her Slave (Afghan Whigs) Beautiful/Evil Crime Scene Part One (Afghan Whigs) Trouble/Bubble Trouble (Shampoo)
--------- That's enough... Three pages of Bord for Bimbos text. So until the next time... stay loose... be cool... and remember facial hair is the work of the devil!
(c) April 1996 Peter R. More