Written: April 15th, May 9th and then May 14th, 1996, but completely forgotten about until June 28th, And then lost again until 27th November.
So what's been going on,,,
It's been nearly a whole day since I finished off the last Cheeze World, and a lot has happened in all that time,,, well, okay I went to work. AND came home. Now if that's not living, I don't know what is?
V-chips,,,
This is one of those ideas that seems doomed to suffer from controversy for as long as it is used. Not because the technology won't work,,, I'm sure it will. Not because people don't want to control what their kids want to watch,,, I know they do. But because more than ever we will rely on people's arbitrary decisions on what is violent/sexual/scary. Rating of films, have been okay, because the banding has been wide, and thus less mis-classification occurs. And any kid knows if you want to go see that eighteen, just put on tons of makeup like your elder sister. This works for girls too, by the way. Although for slightly different reasons.
But now it will be physically impossible for your kids to watch a program that the committee (a great way for reaching a wrong decision in a great expanse of time if ever there was one) has deemed to be too violent.
I do understand that the violence rating does take into account that cartoonesque violence is less shocking, which is good. I, Myself, am not disturbed by Daffy Duck's head being flattened by an anvil, or Oliver Hardy's buttocks being smashed by a dangerously wielded step-ladder, in quite the same way as I am by a Tarantino close-range shooting.
Personally, I think some of the categories are all wrong. Sexual content is misleading because it includes nudity. I would have no problem with my kids seeing nudity. It's society's over-emphasis on the natural state of nakedness being wrong that has caused many of our hang-ups about sex. Sexiness is perhaps a better rating. After all, seeing Sharon Stone whip her crotch out for the umpteenth time is not terribly sexy to me, but put Lauren Bacall in the same room as Humphrey Bogart and show a close-up of her flaring nostrals, and I have what is known in polite circles as a raging hard-on.
I think there should be other categories. I would like to be able to deselect programs by presenter. Imagine, never having to turn the telly over at an inopportune moment to see the irritating shoot-me smirk of Shane Richie. And, mums, we all know that the programs with the most graphic violence and explicit sex are always fronted by David Attenborough.
It should also work the other way,,, I should be able to set my video to record all the programs with Carol Vordemann in, even if she is an unexpected guest on 'Anne And Nick.' Except, of course, that 'Anne And Nick' would be the first program I banned using my chip. Hmm,,,
Anyway, Here's my new improved Ratings list (all ratings out of 5),,,
| Program | The X Files | Casualty | Songs of Praise | The Shane Richie Experience |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sexiness | 4 | 2 | (0-1)* | -496 |
| Guts Factor | 3 | 6 | (0-5)* | 0 |
| Atmosphere | 4 | 3 | 1 | 0 |
| Religious content | 2 | 1 | 5 | 2 |
| Believability | 1 | 4 | -67 | $ |
* - depends on the presenter.
$ - Totally f**king unbelievable!
But, having said all this, ultimately the problem with the system is that it is based on technology. And so who is going to have the head-start in understanding how it works? Yep, your eight-year-old, who will have no problem by-passing the chip using the insides of his gameboy and a coat-hanger.
This week's Top ten,,,
Top Ten Lyrics About The Illusive Truth and the Consequences of Avoiding It,,,
Silicone Valley,,,
I see that 'Baywatch Beauty*' and 'Most Attractive Woman Alive to Thousands of European Adolescents who don't Know Any Better,' Pamela Anderson has just starred in a film. And, as befitting her status as a, er,,, top movie star (whoops, nearly said actress!) she has altered her name so that instead of the usual, dreary two names, she now has three. If you have been living on the moon, or sensibly avoid all forms of media, you won't know that she is now called Pamela Anderson Lee after taking the surname of her husband, Christopher Lee, the bass player with Skeleton Crue. Presumably she is trying for the sort of respect that, in show business, having three names can get you. For more information, see Farrah Fawcett Majors.
* (c) 1994, 1995, 1996, The Mirror.
The Royal Wee,,,
As ever, I have missed the boat on the great slagging off Fergie fest that happened about a month ago. Now, I have never been a particular fan of Ms Fergusson, but I feel wary of joining the wolf-pack and having a go for one fundamental reason. If I had suddenly found myself a member of a hugely rich family, I would spend my entire time partying, holidaying and sucking the veruccas of any passing financial advisers. Alright, well maybe I'd not go so much on the latter, but holidays, parties and frolicking about definately would be. And how many of you out there, with your hands on your hearts, wouldn't do the same if you were married into one of the richest and most ugliest families in the country? What's that you say? You'd use the money for good? You'd try to make the place better for those not so fortunate as yourself? Oh,,, I feel a bit small now. And what's that? You want to be the princess of our where? Oh, hearts.
Pity.
And the main poins of the newts again,,,
There was a fantastic story about a Mr and Mrs Letigious who sued a holiday company because their child fell over and hurt himself doing the 'Hokay Kokay' (or however it is spelt). And for once, common sense prevailed and the case was lost. Hopefully they had to pay a few costs, just to let it sink home to them what a stupid thing it was to have done. Don't get me wrong, I feel sorry for the kid, but kids fall over all the time. Even if the company had organised a sitting still competition, at least one kid would have ended up on the floor, bawling its little eyes out.
If the case had been won, Holiday companies, Night Clubs, Dance Schools would all have had to ban dancing for risk of being sued by people who had fallen over or staggared drunkenly into the bar.
Another good one, a few weeks back about a survey of judges that asked a few questions about current popular culture, and very few of them got a good mark at all. And this was claimed to be shocking. Nadgers! Judges are not meant to know who people are, they are meant to pass judgement. One of the questions was, 'Who does Ryan Giggs play for?' Excuse me, but I don't know who Ryan Giggs plays for, and I would hardly call myself out of touch.
Album Review,,, "Slade Live At The Town And Country Club,,,"
Top Ten reasons to go to an Oasis gig,,,
1. The beatles aren't likely to play another gig for a while.
2. They've got more above-average songs than blur.
3. They're dead hard, like a sun baked kipper.
4. Their lyrics intentionally lack a narrative structure, or meaning.
5. {Oh, forget it Pete, you can't do satire.}
Railtrack Privatisation... A play By Brian Rix
[THE MAJOR and MULWHINNEY, a man with the head of an ass and the body of a bank manager are in a dim-lit room in the cabinet. MAJOR is holding a large turkey.]
MAJOR: Quick, MULWHINNEY, we have to sell this turkey, before anybody notices.
MULWHINNEY: Errrrrrrr, okay Major.
[There is a sound of a ruckus outside the door.]
MAJOR: Quick, it's General Public, hide in the closet.
MULWHINNEY: Errrrrrrr, okay Major.
[MULWHINNEY does so.]
[Enter GENERAL PUBLIC, in full military uniform, carrying a shotgun.]
PUBLIC: Now what's all this I hear, you selling my turkey, what?
MAJOR: Err, yes, but we're going to give you first refusal.
PUBLIC: Well, that's awfully descent of you.
MAJOR: Yes, it is. You can have up to 5% of it.
PUBLIC: So, I can own part of what I already own outright?
MAJOR: Yes. For a modest fee.
PUBLIC: But why would I want to, when I already own it?
MAJOR: Because, erm... yes, obviously the price of turkeys will go up once it's been sold, and... there'll be an instant cash bribe.. er.. bonus for all shareholders in the turkey.
PUBLIC: Ah, well that sounds better. I'll buy a share in my own turkey, then. what!
MAJOR: Oh, MULWHINNEY! Come here.
MULWHINNEY (muffled): Errrrrrrr, okay Major.
[MULWHINNEY exits closet.]
PUBLIC (to MULWHINNEY): You!!
MULWHINNEY: Ooh! Sorry about your cows...
[PUBLIC chases MAJOR and MULWHINNEY about the room, shooting warning shots into the air.]
THE END.
(c) May 1996 Peter R. More