September 15-25th, 1997
Welcome to this, the Solicitor* issue of Cheeze World. Yes, Solicitors everybody loves them, but nobody knows what they do. Or at least, that's what they think. But whatever, I feel it is time we celebrated the existence of these fantastic people who do a marvellous job for such a reasonable price. Now take that gun out of my face.
Solicitors first started trading in 2000 years BC. Archaeological evidence proves that the Chinese were the first to develop Solicitors. They reigned supreme for five hundred years in what some people have called the Dung (Solicitor) Dynasty. Towards the end of their reign, the Solicitors became corrupt and were all put to death. This heralded the new era in Chinese history, when glamour and money was all, the Dynasty Dynasty.
The like of Solicitors were not seen until about 200 BC when the Romans found the need for them when they were moving house. They found they needed people to store the deeds to a property for a stupid length of time and charge a huge amount of cash for it. By the time of Jesus, Solicitors were a common and reviled sight on the streets of the Roman Empire. Indeed, The Bible tells a story of Jesus and the Solicitor. (Pradeley II, 11:34.):
"Jesus came upon a scene where a young Solicitor was being stoned for his kind were not liked in Galilee. And Jesus did say until the people, 'why dost thou throw rocks at this man?' And the people did reply, 'for he is accursed scum, and should be persecuted.' Jesus shook his head and said, 'let he who is without sin throw the first stone.' And with that the crowd looked at each other in anguish and dropped their stones. The people was ashamed. Then a small voice was heard at the back, and the crowd parted to let through a nun in a shabby habit. The nun did take up some of the discarded stones and with deadly accuracy, let them fly at the Solicitor. The crowd cheered and grabbed the rest of the stones and began once more to pelt the Solicitor. Jesus gave a forgiving smile and left. His work was done there."
Diana Update: Still no sign of the expected resurrection. Bets still being taken.
The next time a Solicitor appeared significantly in history was at the court of King Arthur. Sir Chargalot, named after his excessive running around in battle, it is assumed, was one of the lesser known, but no-less important members of the round table. His deeds were many, although seldom his own. Which was probably his true genius.
Further status of the world, this week:
The only exciting news this week is that Scotland is to get it's own sub-parliament. Which is a bit like a sub-post office in that it will be inside a sweet shop and will consist of one, rather elderly lady who's English is not very clear.
During the French Revolution... blah, blah, blah, Solicitors, etc, etc, etc. Murder, bloodshed, Woolworth's, and so on, and so forth...
Current odds:
And no that's not a mistake, those machines really are doting.
Two solicitors walk into a bar, as in a pub, and the first one orders a beer. He then gives it to the second who takes six weeks to drink it and then charges the other fifty pounds and hour for the service.
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"Dear Sir, I am writing on behalf of my client, Mr Browne, who entered your establishment on the 15th of this month and procured a bowl of, 'Soup of the day'. When he began to consume said soup, it transpired that within the confines of the soup was a living creature of the insect family, to wit, a fly. As the server upon this occasion, I would like very much to draw your attention to this incident, and request some sort of response from yourself as to what the aforementioned insect was doing in the above listed soup. Yours Sincerely, Mr Humbert (of Welbert, Humbert and Windleflange Ltd)."
"Dear Sir, I am acting on behalf of Mr Waistcote by replying to your letter to him dated the 20th of this month. In response to your question, my client is sticking to his earlier statement, which as I am sure your client will recall, was 'the crawl.' Yours Sincerely Mr Windleflange (of Welbert, Humbert and Windleflange Ltd)."
During the last three weeks, I have undergone a mid-life crisis. I've been generally dissatisfied at work, thought long and hard about giving it all up and becoming a full-time writer, or an artist, or a poet, or just lying on a sun-soaked beach with fifteen Filipino school-girls rubbing linseed oil into my every fold. I haven't had a partner to be dissatisfied with, but I did sleep with someone particularly young of action. I even thought about having a haircut. I can't help thinking, at 28, I'm a bit young to be having this sort of crisis going on. Still, a good strong cup of tea, and I'll be as right as rain. I'm sure.
As a mark of respect to Elton John*, I have reproduced for you the full lyrics to his poly-dedicatable "Candle In The Wind'97." For copyright reasons, I cannot reproduce the lyrics the full version. So here is the "Sedgeforde, Dunfling and Worminster Remix" commissioned by the solicitors of that name.
Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle..
In the wind. In the wind. In the wind. Oh, Oh!
Everybody.. Bass! Bass!
Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle..
In the wind. In the wind.
Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle..
In the wind. Ooh!
And it seems.. seems.. seems.. seems..
Lived your life.. Lived your life..
Like a..
Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle..
Everybody dance now!
Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle.. Ca-Ca Ca-Ca Candle..
Yo! Outta here!
'Solicitor' is used under licence from Attorney, Lawyer and Shyster Inc, PA.
'The Christian Church' is the collective name for a group of suppliers of hope and charity around the world. They also manage many premises in a large number of countries. They were formed in the early part of the first Millennium A.D. by disgruntled former employees of 'The Jewish Faith (Israel) Ltd.' Address all correspondence in the form a prayer to God, Everywhere, E17 1VY.
'Elton John' is a figment of your imagination.
(c) September 1997 Peter R. More.