October 28-29th, 1997

Following the unrivalled success of the Solicitor issue, last month, I have sought further sponsorship this issue, from the exciting world of small foreign banks. Consequently, this issue is the most expensive yet. If you have the latest copy of NetScape Gold, or Word for Windows '98 (expected shortly after the millennium), you can see that most letters have a gilt edge. Not only that, but I have spent 400,000 US Dollars on getting the "Cheeze World" logo revamped. I hope you like it. The changes are subtle, and yet, as the company who redesigned it told me, "accurately depict the other developments made in this column of the years." Fantastic!

There seems to have been remarkably little news lately. At least none that has grabbed my attention. Oh except something called a stock-market crash. But if you drive around in an over-loaded car held together by far too many wings and prayers, and steered by superstition, whim and rumour, then you should expect the odd crash every now and again.

Everybody in the world now owns a mobile phone. It's official. Government statistics released today by CLAPTRAP prove that 98% percent of the country owns a mobile phone, and the other 2% are thinking of getting one. The survey, taken in a City of London pub at lunch-time is the most conclusive proof yet that everybody in the world owns a mobile phone. More proof, next week.

Mobile phones are, of course, marvellously freeing devices allowing you to go anywhere, do anything and still be waiting be the phone for him or her to call. And although they still don't call, you do actually get stuff done, and don't mind quite so much that that mean, selfish person didn't, in the end, call you when he hinted that he or she might. And then of course, you have the excited expectation all the way home, that he or she HAS called you - at home and left a message on the answering machine. Another false hope, provided courtesy of modern technology.

The term 'small foreign bank' was invented one lunch-time by leading financier Hugh Zeldenberg. He was the most powerful man in the world from 1923 to 1924. He owned thirteen oil companies, sixteen private jets, and was once reputed to have paid cash for a magazine. In December 1923, Hugh was looking for something new to invest in and then, over a lunch of tiramisu and coleslaw it came to him in a vision. A dream of startling clarity, it was almost like real life. Someone - maybe his personal assistant who was always in an adjoining room, if not at his side, or maybe not, we don't know - came into the room, suggested "What about small, foreign banks?" and left again. The rest is history, and no less confusing than that tangled web of intrigue and experimental parapsychology.

Today, the phrase is as common as say, "That's real groovy, daddio" or "hip-jiving, baby", or some other such modern youth-culture colloquialism. * But it is good to be aware of it's history. Well, I always say.

Reports are coming in that the image of St. Diana, patron saint of Herts, has been seen in the lobby of a small foreign bank in Venezuela. More details as we get them in.

In the absence of any Spice Girls news, here is a strangely displaced comma. We apologise, and hope the lack of news from the Spice Girls hasn't destroyed your enjoyment of this column.

,

Actually, the Spice Girls have released about six thousand marketing products in the last month. Everything from the SpiceCam (a camera that takes pictures in full SpiceColor) to the Spice Girls dolls (five life-like dollops of empty plastic wrapped up in a huge colourful package). But, this is hardly news.

My 10 favourite books:

1. The Collected Poetry of Sid James

2. On The Buses Annual, 1974

3. Milli Vanilli Song Book for Easy Guitar

4. Lett's Go... Chipping Sodbury

5. Taggart pop-up action book

6. The Good Spoon Guide, 1953

7. I-Spy Genital Deformities

8. Lynsette Anthony's Guide to World Religions

9. The Sam Fox Quote Book

10.Arthur Fowler Investigates

Whatever did happen to Lynsette Anthony? Yet another budding British TV actress swallowed up by the Hollywood Brit-Breaking machine. How many tottious thespiettes have we lost to this monstrous talent-munching machine? I have decided to take this matter up as a personal campaign. Here follows my of many letters in this campaign.

Hollywood,

California,

USA.

Dear Hollywood,

We demand Joanne Whalley back. She has no reason to stay now she has divorced that Valerie Kildare person. So please send her back, right away, care of me.

Regards,

Pete More.

P.S. Will happily swap with Ruby Wax, if necessary.

Well, it's only a matter of time.

Following the success of last issue's Elton John remix, we are pleased to present the winner of this year's Small Foreign Bank Remix Award. It goes to Binko Bang Bonki the smallest Holdings Bank in Malaysia, for their remix of the club classic, 'Jerusalem'.

Sample: James Brown: I'm wanna get up there and do my thang...

And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And...

Did those feet, Did those feet..

In ancient.. feet, ancient.. feet..

Walk upon.. Walk upon..

Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Bang!

Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Bang!

And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And...

Did those feet, Did those feet..

And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And... And.. And.. And.. And...

Did those feet, Did those feet..

Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Bang!

Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Jerusalem! Bang!

Bang!... Bang! Bang!*

1. Actually, more common youth-culture phrases these days are likely to be "Fahkorff", or "Just give me the friggin' money."

2. Is this really necessary?

(c) October 1997 Peter R. More.