(The People's News is the only official newspaper of the People's Republic of Dimpuchia.)
It's official. Statistics released today by our Glorious Government prove that the unfounded and unpatriotic rumours of mass unemployment are completely untrue. They show that employment is 100%, and that unemployment is down to 0%. Everyone has a job and is working hard towards making Dimpuchia even better than the perfect Utopia that it is...
The unemployed people that have only recently come into existence in our beautiful capital - birthplace of the revolution and home of our Glorious Government - have all been found jobs by the state. And many of them are so happy with their new-found jobs, that their families haven't seen them since...
The persistent and unpatriotic rumours that our Beloved Leader, Joh Mai Jor - founder of the revolution and defeater of the capitalist overlords - is dead have been denied by our Glorious Government. Yesterday, our Beloved Guide went for a short walk around his garden in his home in our beautiful capital - birthplace of the revolution and home of our Glorious Government. He smelt the flowers and said the following immortal words about the rumours: "let him who thinks I am dead, fear for his own life as an unpatriotic Dimpuchese. For I am truly alive. Have always been alive. And will be so for many years to come."...
The National Freedom Army - fighters for justice and the Dimpuchian way - has quashed yet another uprising by the unpatriotic citizens of Ju Sah Lem. It has been three years since our brave army liberated the tiny country from its capitalist overlords. Freeing its citizens from the burden of slavery, irradiating the unemployment and removing the seeds of capitalism (gold and silver)...
Today our Beloved Leader - founder of the revolution and defeater of the capitalist overlords - Joh Mai Jor was buried. He was not dead, and still very much alive. Even as he was lowered into the ground, he uttered more of his inspirational phrases. These have been collected and published in a small blue book: "Joh Mai Jor's Death-bed Utterances," published by Dimpuchian Publishing Company at 5000 Dimpuchian People's Money. All patriotic Dimpuchians will buy it. Our Glorious Government tomorrow begins the task of finding a new leader. One with the vision, views and vitality of the old one...
The outbreak of explosions in the nation's beautiful capital - birthplace of the revolution and home of our Glorious Government - that yesterday did negligible damage to the airport, railway station and McDonalds were not the action of terrorists, but problems caused by formerly dormant earthquakes erupting in small localised areas. There is no cause for alarm, and no uprising is in progress...
After much searching, our Glorious Government has found a new leader to replace the retired, but very much still alive, Joh Mai Jor. He is Toh Ni Saim. He promises a new kind of leadership that will ensure the Beautiful Dimpuchian way of life will not change.
Our Beloved Leader, Toh Ni Saim - Keeper of the Beautiful Dimpuchian way of life - today spoke out against rumours of a revolution. From his bunker in our beautiful capital - birthplace of the revolution and home of our Glorious Government, he said "There is no revolution. All is Beautiful in Dimpuchea."
Peter More, 1997.