Congratulations on purchasing a new NoRM!
You now own one of the most sophisticated entertainment products on the market today. NoRM offers outstanding value for money, amazing quality of life and a great deal more.
Naturally, you can't wait to get started using NoRM, but before you start it's worth taking the time to read through this guide to familiarise yourself with the features and operation of NoRM. Once you are acquainted with using NoRM you have a lifetime of guaranteed trouble-free operation. You need never fear doing something wrong, and along the way you get to learn about the philosphy that went behind the construction of NoRM, and you can practice using it's varied features.
Your NoRM should come already functioning. The clothing elements should not
be removed under normal circumstances, as they provide essential coverage of
some of the more sensitive moving parts.
Before recieving your NoRM it was vigorously soak-tested in various
situations and locations for a period of several years. It should reach you
in perfect working order.
Little operator intervention is required with the normal day-to-day operation of your NoRM. It is designed to operate autonomously.
The NoRM runs on normal household foodstuffs. For the continued smooth operation of your NoRM, we recommend the following products:
NoRMs need a lot of extra maintainence. This should usually come in the form of hugs. When your NoRM needs a hug, it will inform you.
Along with your NoRM, you should receive several accessories which enhance and complement the product.
all rights reserved.
bunch of arse.
If you are unhappy with your product, please contact the Consumer Services Department, who will place you on hold for nearly an hour, then transfer you to several different people. Eventually you will speak to someone sufficiently not unhappy to listen to your complaint. Several minutes of unfelt sympathy sounds later, your address will be taken and many trees worth of leaflets describing your consumer rights and our customer charter will arrive within a month.
Please carefully ignore these and read the attached complaints form. This has several parts, with complex instructions on how to best fill it out so that we can process it efficiently. Follow the instructions carefully, and send the completed form to the department for disposal.
dimensions | 5'8" ish, quite broad across the shoulders |
---|---|
weight | not especially heavy |
age | 24 |
max tilt for normal use | 15% |
hair | long (damn long), brown |
eyes | two, chromatically variable from grey to blue via green |
resolution | 1280x1040 72Hz |
favourite quote | "I say... let 'em crash" |
collects | T-shirts with interesting designs; moose paraphernalia |
voltage | 0.3mv |
saddest fact | has seen Star Trek II almost 100 times |
best scene | beaming into Regula: "Where are we going...?" |
frequency | 104.9 FM |
consumption | normally twice a day |
strangest pastime | reading Quantum Mechanics textbooks |
NoRM is over 80% bio-degradable, and can be easily recycled once it has reached the end of it's servicable lifespan. |
Last updated: Mon, Apr 14 1997
Norman McBride ·
norm@mono.org